Sunday, February 23, 2014

Things I like & don't like about myself

P/S: Literally typing this using iPad and should be posting this before I sleep. BUT. Can't finished. -.- So, I'll continue this post using lappie now. =]

Oh hiiii people. Should be sleeping at this time (2am), but yea, ended up die die also don't wanna sleep even though sleepy -.- cause sudden mood on feel like blogging. Lol. And lazy me blogging this post using iPad lying on my bed. Lol lol lol. =]

Have a very sudden thought about myself on things that I like and don't like. I always finding myself very weird *Well, friends around me said the same things also la. -.- Lol.* I define myself weird in a way that sometimes I don't even understand myself and I seriously think that my brain is something wrong. Always thinking unnecessary "rubbish", make myself emo unnecessary cause keep thinking about things that's not even happening yet. *Oh, I think I psychic la then? Loool. So yea, whatever.* =/

It's actually quite hard for me to think of something good about me. I don't know why. -.- If you ask me to list down those bad things about myself, I can write it down very fasttttttt without doubt. Lol. You see, this is how human mind is. Negative term is always easier to label for own self and positive one for others *Not so sure about other people, but for me, it works this way.* =]

So yea anyway, I'll try to crap something good about myself la since people always said... You need to be positive enough to strive better. Without positive thoughts, we'll mostly ended up going no where. So, I don't wanna end up going no where, this means I'm force to write something la then? Lol.

Okayyy, I better start writing it now. =]

P/S: Some of it from myself and some of it was how my friend used to describe me. =]

Things I like about myself:
  • Keeping my promise (Most of the time)
I don't like people to break their promises neither myself too. It's either you said it and you mean it. Or else, don't give me empty promises then say sorry. Seriously, I get quite.....pissed off sometimes when people kept saying sorry and then doing the same thing again. Of course I don't mind if they apologize and they change after that. Definitely I'm fine with it. Helllllo? I'm not that particular la. Lol. It's okay to make mistake as long as we change after that. :)
  •  Good self-control : Anger
Err, so far I think I'm quite good in controlling my anger. I don't get angry easily *I think? Lol.* EXCEPT, it really cross my limit. So, what can really make me angry? Err, actually I also not so sure. LOL. I normally will tolerate until I cannot tahan, then only I'll burst. I'm not saying I won't get angry, but at least, I have a good control of it. Well, at least so far my friends rarely said that I have bad temper la. Lol. Ehem? =/
  • Caring
Hmm, actually, I don't know whether is it consider a good thing about myself. Lol. Anway, I still think caring is better than hurting others. Lol. I care, but somehow I know I might be over sometimes. I care because I treasure and it makes me feel happy. I like to make people around me as happy as I could. So, sometimes I don't mind doing more than the person could actually do for me. Of course, I'm not saying I'm paying 100% care / attention to everyone la. Lol. I'm not that good yet. Only to certain people of course. Helllo? I'm not Santa Claus. I still got other things to do also. Duh? LOL. =]
  • Creative
People said I'm creative. Hmm, a bit la. I have to admit this. Lol. I like arts and photography. I manage to learn it from the very beginning. Without attending any classes *Wanted to, but got no time.  @@..* or without anyone teach me. I learn everything myself, like reading books *Seriously, that's my only time sitting in the bookstore reading book. -.-* and through online. Maybe it's because I got the interest la. Still, learning is a forever process. There's never ending in gaining knowledge. Until today, I am still learning. :)
  • Always-Whatever
Err, I think this should be categorized into borderline category. Lol. Personally, somehow I think it's good. But, whenever I used this word, it makes people annoyed. -.- I don't like to make decision at all. If I could, I don't really mind letting you to be the leader and the one who guide as long as you're capable to do so. I normally don't like to voice out and most of the time I choose to keep quiet - to avoid any unnecessary arguments. Sometimes, it's better not to say so much.

I know, sometimes, people tend to take advantage from me just because I seem not to care so much. But please bear in mind, "Not that I can't, just that I don't want." :)

Things I don't like about myself:
  •  Mood swing
This is definitely one thing I dislike myself the most. I couldn't really understand why, it always making me ended up with "heavy" thoughts. I always feel miserable, especially during midnight. Hmphh. It's good to think, but over-thinking kills happiness. :(
  • Over-Sensitive
It's always good to be sensitive because this means that we actually pay attention to the surroundings / people. But, over-sensitive definitely wasn't a good thing. It create problems for myself. Lol. For me, able to understand people are very IMPORTANT. Because, I don't like conflicts. And yes, I DON'T LIKE ANY CONFLICTS AT ALL. *Who will like? Duh? -.-* Simple things like when people don't reply my message, I'll start questioning myself "What have I done? Did I make any mistakes? Did I said anything wrong?" Sad right? T_T..
  •  Soft-hearted
Err, should be a good thing, but personally I don't think it's really good for me. I always told myself, if that person hurt me once, twice, again and again, I shouldn't give them any chance. BUT. I always ended up saying "Nevermind, it's okay". =/
  • Not voicing out
In most of the time, I choose to keep quiet. Sometimes, even though I know I can actually perform better than the others, still, I choose not to say anything. Sometimes, even though I know it wasn't my fault but people still blame me for it, still I don't voice out anything. I'm.....weird right? That's why, I always ended up become the "bad person". So yea.. =]
  • Lack of confident
There are things I think or I can handle it, but because of my confident level is superb LOW, I always ended up having many problems in dealing with it. Example like giving presentation, asking / answering question in class, most of the time, I'll say DON'T KNOW even though I know. Looool. I don't know how to boost my confident level, so one way my friend always do to me in class was by calling my name, then ask me to ask / answer those questions that the lecturer asked. Thank youuuu so much. O.O~ *For those who's reading this, don't do this to me kay. Lol.* =]
  • Keep most of the thing towards myself
It's very tired to keep everything towards myself. Very superbly tired. Until today, I think I'm still practicing this habit. Only those who really know me well will come find me to talk about it. That's why I feel really blessed to have them. Okayy, it's time to learn to how to express myself, SOON. =]
  • Don't know how to say NO
I think this is one problem people always face, having problem in saying NO. Such a simple word but so hard to say it out. Lol. Even I don't feel like doing, I'll still do it. -.-

There's still quite a number of things that I don't like about myself. Lol. See, told you, it's much more easier to write bad things about myself. Lol, but I shall stop now. I think this post is quite long enough and I don't think you'll read it from the top till the end. Haha, lol. =]

Oh, notice something different on this post? Actually I used this way to blog few times before, and personally I feel it's more interesting to accommodate with some emoticons. Aren't they're so cuteeee. Hehe. :)

So, what you think? Like the way how I used to write this post? Heh. :)

Holidays continue and byeeeee. 
Don't miss me so much. HAHAHA. =P

I don't belong anywhere because I'm everywhere. 
Only if God allows, I'll leave.
Let's see how God's plan work for me. :)

Sunday, February 9, 2014

I. Just. Need. More. Time.

I just feel like writing whatever thought that's on my mind. Just a very random emotions I had now. Maybe you might think that this post is very unnecessary, or perhaps, I've mention this before few times in my blog. 

But. Please. Just let me to be myself. I don't know how to express myself to anyone. The only way for me to express is blogging. At least I willing to share it out here as I don't do this always. 

Dare to TRY. Dare to CHANGE. Dare to be DIFFERENT.
Confident, the most powerful weapon you have.

CHANGE is a very hard process for me because I care and treasure our memories a lot. Just too much. Caring is not an easy job, it involves sacrificing, giving, loving and patience. Sometimes I ask myself, how much do you really treasure our friendship?

It has been 3 years since we met each other. We didn't even have a proper chat / talk for like 3 years? Wow. That's long. Sometimes I wonder, do you still remember all those memories we had last time? 

Just imagine, it has been 3 years, I don't dare to click into your profile. You might be wondering, wow? To that extend? --- Yes.

You know what, I wanted to delete all those pictures so badly... Like, seriously.

But. Lover ask me one question: You sure you wanna delete it? Will you regret? 
Then, I stunned. 

If I delete it, doesn't mean our relationship will remains the same like last time. True, very true. Even I delete or just leave it there, fact is still fact. It happened and changed. So, why don't leave those pictures there? 

I have to admit that, our relationship had changed. 
From strangers, friends to besties. Now from besties, friends to strangers.

To be frank, it wasn't easy for me to go through these 3 years. From the active side of me, I became very passive. I'm always the one who ask for outing, because I really like spending my time with the one I care. But now? Not anymore.

Because of those rejection I received. Even I want to do so, I choose to keep quiet. I'm just so afraid. So scared. Feeling so insecure.

Those who know me few years back, compared last time and now, they noticed my change. They said I changed a lot because of this.

A quote stated: I don't care if it's 4am in the morning, if you call and I care about you, I will answer.

Yes, I will. Some people will and some don't. I'm not trying to judge anyone based on this. Different people have different ways to concern the one they care. And this is one of the way I'll do to show that I care. 

I guess I've mentioned many times before, I'm not a person who know how to say those sweet / caring things to anyone. Maybe through writing I'll express it better. But definitely not through face-to-face. Instead, my way of caring may be quite different from others. I care but I don't show. I worried but I don't ask. I keep a lot of things inside my heart.

I used to share a lot of my personal things and feelings to the one I'm close with. But now, not anymore. Before this, I'm a person who doesn't really know how to share my own thoughts, after this, even more I kept everything to myself. :(

Someone asked me: You always help others, why don't let others help you? Don't you feel tired keeping everything to yourself? 
Again, I stunned.

Will you believe if I said I'm fine, I don't need anyone to be there for me when I need help? This would be the biggest lie ever if I said so. Who likes to be alone? When you're sad, no one is there for you listen to your problems and share with you? Who likes this feeling? 

I'm really afraid to be so close with anyone now. It takes a lot of courage for me to be so close, because it triggered back those memories we had, the way we used to be. Because I'm scared that the same thing will happen to me, again. I don't think I can handle it. Because I know I can't.

Sometimes, I wish they know what I want. When I say "I'm fine." I wish there're friends who know me well enough and tell me: "I know you're not okay. And I'll be with you."

I noticed there's actually changes on me after so long. Like finally.. I mean, not becoming the bad one but the good ones. Less is better than nothing, right? I'm doing my very best and sometimes, I actually feel quite proud about myself. Just that, still, when those emotions randomly pop-up, especially during midnight where I'll start thinking non-sense, this is what will happened. My blog become a place for me to throw whatever I want to.

I thought I'm a very brave girl.
I thought I wouldn't cry while writing this post, but I was wrong.
I cried.

I. Just. Need. More. Time.

Our God is greater, our God is stronger,
God You are higher than any other,
Our God is Healer, awesome and power,
Our God, Our God...

I can do it because I'm not alone.
I'm changing. Just, give me more time...
Trust me, one fine day...
I'll tell the whole world, without you, my life can be colourful as well.

But, when is the day? 
I don't know.