Sunday, February 9, 2014

I. Just. Need. More. Time.

I just feel like writing whatever thought that's on my mind. Just a very random emotions I had now. Maybe you might think that this post is very unnecessary, or perhaps, I've mention this before few times in my blog. 

But. Please. Just let me to be myself. I don't know how to express myself to anyone. The only way for me to express is blogging. At least I willing to share it out here as I don't do this always. 

Dare to TRY. Dare to CHANGE. Dare to be DIFFERENT.
Confident, the most powerful weapon you have.

CHANGE is a very hard process for me because I care and treasure our memories a lot. Just too much. Caring is not an easy job, it involves sacrificing, giving, loving and patience. Sometimes I ask myself, how much do you really treasure our friendship?

It has been 3 years since we met each other. We didn't even have a proper chat / talk for like 3 years? Wow. That's long. Sometimes I wonder, do you still remember all those memories we had last time? 

Just imagine, it has been 3 years, I don't dare to click into your profile. You might be wondering, wow? To that extend? --- Yes.

You know what, I wanted to delete all those pictures so badly... Like, seriously.

But. Lover ask me one question: You sure you wanna delete it? Will you regret? 
Then, I stunned. 

If I delete it, doesn't mean our relationship will remains the same like last time. True, very true. Even I delete or just leave it there, fact is still fact. It happened and changed. So, why don't leave those pictures there? 

I have to admit that, our relationship had changed. 
From strangers, friends to besties. Now from besties, friends to strangers.

To be frank, it wasn't easy for me to go through these 3 years. From the active side of me, I became very passive. I'm always the one who ask for outing, because I really like spending my time with the one I care. But now? Not anymore.

Because of those rejection I received. Even I want to do so, I choose to keep quiet. I'm just so afraid. So scared. Feeling so insecure.

Those who know me few years back, compared last time and now, they noticed my change. They said I changed a lot because of this.

A quote stated: I don't care if it's 4am in the morning, if you call and I care about you, I will answer.

Yes, I will. Some people will and some don't. I'm not trying to judge anyone based on this. Different people have different ways to concern the one they care. And this is one of the way I'll do to show that I care. 

I guess I've mentioned many times before, I'm not a person who know how to say those sweet / caring things to anyone. Maybe through writing I'll express it better. But definitely not through face-to-face. Instead, my way of caring may be quite different from others. I care but I don't show. I worried but I don't ask. I keep a lot of things inside my heart.

I used to share a lot of my personal things and feelings to the one I'm close with. But now, not anymore. Before this, I'm a person who doesn't really know how to share my own thoughts, after this, even more I kept everything to myself. :(

Someone asked me: You always help others, why don't let others help you? Don't you feel tired keeping everything to yourself? 
Again, I stunned.

Will you believe if I said I'm fine, I don't need anyone to be there for me when I need help? This would be the biggest lie ever if I said so. Who likes to be alone? When you're sad, no one is there for you listen to your problems and share with you? Who likes this feeling? 

I'm really afraid to be so close with anyone now. It takes a lot of courage for me to be so close, because it triggered back those memories we had, the way we used to be. Because I'm scared that the same thing will happen to me, again. I don't think I can handle it. Because I know I can't.

Sometimes, I wish they know what I want. When I say "I'm fine." I wish there're friends who know me well enough and tell me: "I know you're not okay. And I'll be with you."

I noticed there's actually changes on me after so long. Like finally.. I mean, not becoming the bad one but the good ones. Less is better than nothing, right? I'm doing my very best and sometimes, I actually feel quite proud about myself. Just that, still, when those emotions randomly pop-up, especially during midnight where I'll start thinking non-sense, this is what will happened. My blog become a place for me to throw whatever I want to.

I thought I'm a very brave girl.
I thought I wouldn't cry while writing this post, but I was wrong.
I cried.

I. Just. Need. More. Time.

Our God is greater, our God is stronger,
God You are higher than any other,
Our God is Healer, awesome and power,
Our God, Our God...

I can do it because I'm not alone.
I'm changing. Just, give me more time...
Trust me, one fine day...
I'll tell the whole world, without you, my life can be colourful as well.

But, when is the day? 
I don't know. 

1 comment:

YiNYin said...

Vanzy! my dear wife.. things change constantly... we have to move forward but not keep backwards. i know somehow is hard. But there's still plenty of other things out there for u to explore. u'll never know till u reach out to them :)
cheers babe